New Blog

I've either temporarily or permanently moved my blog to www.kllamoureux.wordpress.com. So go there and visit. :)

To All:

Maybe this is your first time visiting this blog. Maybe you've been an innocent bystander in some awful, angry, and sad thoughts and were somehow entertained--like my last poem about my mother. Maybe you actually got a glimpse of a hidden heart and became intrigued to the point of continued visitations. But regardless of whether some or none of the above are true, welcome. And though I have sometimes been too aware of who does and does not read this blog and have sometimes written or not written based on that readership, I will admit that I no longer care. Of course I care about your thoughts and feelings just like I care about anyone elses. But I can say I'm no longer afraid of the responsibility that comes with writing privately or public ally. Call it selfish, but I'm keeping this more for me than for you. I'm sure you need such a space too as you are human. I just thought that you should know that more will probably be written here because I am no longer afraid of what a romantic interest might find here or what an overly religious friend might condemn. If you come to understand God, love, or me more through this, I hope its the honesty that you come to experience that in turn leads to understanding. I won't promise any prolific works or anything overly spectacular, but I can say that it won't be dull here--at least I hope.

Love,
Kyera

Poem: Mother

Like passing seasons
With winter coming
Your heart turns cool and words become hard
Ever since I can remember
Tension has soared before Thanksgiving
Finding second homes since elementary school
Times where family should be comfortable
Always seeming to be a scapegoat for the unknown
To think of the nights I cry for your love
With summers always pleasant
Until the autumn chill comes
And your heart and demenor change
Like the seasons

Poem: Space

Someday someone will
Fill this space
In every nook and cranny
The kind of space where singleness
No longer seems single
They will fit perfectly
Even though they will not be perfect
But until then...
I will enjoy and walk around
In this new created space

Poem: Selfish

Spinning orbs
We create our own worlds
Not reaching out those in need
Not caring for that except
Only which will give us an emotional high
Or benefit
How did we ever get this way?

Poem: This Moment

I hate this moment
When I realize what this is
My dreams have soared high
Too many times, too many times
What is this
Where you want to let tears fall
But you can't
Life has stunned you
And all you feel is numb

Things that Slide

Back in mid August, I had rejoined a site that I had taken a break from for a number of months due to some convictions that I needed to deal with. Since it's no longer taboo - not that I totally care about what is "taboo" or not - I'll tell you here what I've been partaking in. A dating site! Ha, I said it.

The reason why I first joined was probably similar to the reason that many join such sites. We're all looking for someone we can be loved and understood by that we can give the same love and understanding back to. It's not that there is a lack of attractive and intelligent people in the DC and Annapolis areas. And it's not that there's a lack of being asked out. But, I've never believed in dating for the sake of dating. Not to mention, there has to be more than physical attraction and intelligence to someone. There has to be faith, genuine faith, that I can mutually share with someone. So finding the right combination of things has been an interesting pursuit. And just so you know, the site I joined was faith-based; so I thought that would help narrow things down. It's been a interesting and very useful filter to have.

So in the midst of this online dating, I've learned A LOT! I've probably learned more about people and dating through this site in the short period of time that I've been using it than I did in the two and half years of being engaged. In hind site, I think God has saved me from a lot of bad circumstances and people. Or even good people that just weren't "it"--not that I actually know all the specifics of what is "it."

But, I have gained a greater understanding of what is not "it." Part of this came through someone visiting from the South West. It's not the revelation was new, it was just a good and deeper reminder of some things that cannot be negotiated with. I found myself accepting things that I shouldn't have to deal with. For example, a couple days before he made the trek out to the east coast, I found a photography site of his that had some slightly pornographic pictures on it. How did I find it? Well, a sweet e-mail he'd sent me had his old photography business info. on it. So I thought, "Cool, maybe he has a site with more of his work on it. Most photographers do." I had known pornography was something that he'd wrestled with before and had been "apparently" walking in freedom from. But when I found this, I was furious. They weren't just pictures he'd seen, they were ones he'd taken. I almost told him not to come and cut it off then. But after we talked, things were fine and he removed the pictures from the site. On the side of grace, I figured we all have one thing we wrestle with more than others. You know, that one sin that we can't seem to kick that comes back to haunt us with a vengeance once we thought we've gotten over it. I thought, if his is pornography and he's genuinely wanting to be free from it, I'd much rather walk with him through that than with someone who has serious anger issues or other stuff. But when he came, I saw him try to discreetly check-out other women and take a lot of what I did for granted. This is certainly not all of it, but I'll refrain from continuing to write all the wrongs. I don't want to turn this into a man bashing vent and I don't want to slander him. I genuinely do love and respect men and am against anything that tries to emasculate or put them down. So please, don't take my writing this as any attempt to slander or put down men.

My point is this... I found myself looking over a lot more than I should have. The things I forgave and accepted as water under the bridge became too much and in a short time became repeated offences. And I won't be as arrogant to say that I feel like God "saved" me from a bad man or relationship. I just think He protected me from a load I was never meant to carry. And before ever meeting this man from the South West, God had taken almost a year in teaching me how to guard my heart. So I can honestly say that I'm not mad, sad, or even really hurt. Truly, I'm not. It's just one of those things that I can say I totally understand now why things would never work, though in the middle of it all things seemed a little hazy. It's only until you step back and look at all the things you let slide and realize that all those little things amount to one huge pile of "stuff."