Slowly Turning...

Things have been boring to say the least recently...Well, I wish that were true, but I would be lying if I were to say that. And since this is a public venue, I won't air out my laundry here or really anywhere. However, I will let you into a little bit of what is most recent in life if you care to know.

As I've come back around to the idea of truly pursuing law, I've come to think of how I'm going to realistically pursue a long-time dream. So for the past couple of days, I've been simmering on the idea of enlisting in the military as a means of financing further education. The idea of accruing more debt doesn't appeal to me and neither do some of the other ways of financing further education. I hope no one fell off their seat on that one. Because if you know me, you'd know how much of a non-conformist I am and how I can have a mouth on me. You might even be thinking, "Yeah, the military will kick her ass!" Well, though those things might have been true in the past, I think I've grown-up in ways that would lead me to be not so abrasively independent and unruly--at least that's what I hope. Not to mention, the religious reasons I used to oppose the military, I've kind of been wondering if I've just been afforded the luxury of being naive about the cost of freedom. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I have. The fact that freedom is by no means free is something I should have learned years ago when I did work on the Veterans' History Project. I guess it takes getting to know a hero or two on a personal level to change your mind a bit and show you where you've been naive and even arrogant in some pretty ignorant ways. So I'll be meeting up with some recruiters in the area in the next month. And who knows...another post here might follow soon. :)

Poem: Self Sabotage

Short breathed and guarded
Years of trying to stay protected
And we let the wrong people in
Keeping the right ones out
So afraid of passion and compassion abused
To hide the heart beyond vision
And you couldn't see what was needed to view
So time and small incidents kill a flame
All in an afternoon a tide changes
Because of self sabotage...
While the only option is to say okay.

Poem: Coast

The coast has learned my name well
Every syllable
Every tone
Of my being
Moving up and down
Searching and longing
For deeper
Deeper waters
Deeper meaning
Deeper life
Still search, I will...

Transition...

I've played the piano, cuddled with my cat, and IMed people trying to forget how things are now; but the truth of the matter is still the same. I'm moving again as a small chapter closes in PA. For a long time I've kind of lived a nomadic life, never living in the same apartment/house for longer than a year because of college, work, or something else. Quite frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of goodbyes. I'm tired of constant state of unrest. Longing for rest and needing to be back in a place where change happens, I'm relocating back to MD--Annapolis more specifically. So far I've lived in VA, MD, and PA this year. Crazy, I know... But I don't know when things will settle down or when I'll settle down. I'd like to say that I'll be in the next place for years and I hope that can be true. But with reconsidering law school, that also may not happen. I feel like God has had me on a crazy ride for a while. It's been fun and exciting, but I'm ready to get off and walk around in the same spot for a while. Transience is not all that it's cracked up to be...

Poem: Vibe

Tarnished by shame
And lost through wrong
The lack of forgiveness
When He already covered and forgot
Because we asked
The tear...
The loss...
It's gone, it's long gone.
Even what He could have
Maybe even wanted to redeem
There is a choice; there's always a choice.

Poem: For Minnesota

I'm never this transparent by choice
Music will drown out the unknown a little too well
"Sauvie Island" part of the playlist of all this
Along with "Pachad" and "If I Ever Feel Better"
Thinking time and sound will drown it out
That which I can't explain
That which gets beneath our skin and to our core
And finds us when we want to hide
That which put us on the same page of life
Known and understood from day one
The beautiful, mysterious, and scary
Yeah, that
The unforgettable
Though men of the Ivy League find interest
With their intelligence, looks, and sophistication
And just like that old picture with two women
Smiling on each side
You look up and away as if not to notice
"I truly could care less" the nonverbal message
That truth is mirriored in my now
Though those are the prized in the eyes of others
Everyone seems dull and lackluster
Because they're not you...
And logic would say this is foolish
And your mind will say, she doesn't know
And all I'll say is, "Remember before the fall."

Poem: City

Everyone wants to be heard
But everyone is silent at the same time
A contradiction
People the crowning glory of creation
Yet everything is grey and and man made... no nature
A contradiction
Change happens and flows outward
Epicenters create change regardless of good or bad
A truth
We come to grips with our faults
Because we're always in the face of others...suffocatingly so
A truth
The city is a purge of humanity
A melting pot meant to boil
A place to be loved and hated
...a contradiction and a truth